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 Rachel Cook considers her height advantage.
Yesterday I was at the gym pumping iron and listening to Rage Against
the Machine at full bore, trying to overcome the thought that these two
acts done simultaneously were a clue that I have become someone I
really don’t like; when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a man who
could only be described as an Adonis...
 Yesterday I was at the gym pumping iron and listening to Rage Against the Machine at full bore, trying to overcome the thought that these two acts done simultaneously were a clue that I have become someone I really don’t like; when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a man who could only be described as an Adonis.
He had the coveted six-pack, the sweat-soaked singlet clinging to his rock of a torso like molasses, and a butt, (sorry but you have to use Americanisms when you frequent a gymnasium), that you could bounce small animals off to launch them into space.
He sauntered around the gym in his blue, polyester, old-style football shorts (the ones so tight they’re more reminiscent of a girdle), every now and then joining his boyfriend – a slightly bigger version of himself – to take turns ‘spotting’ each other.
‘Spotting’ is another gym term which basically means you’re too lazy to lift the weight on your own, so you get someone else to lift it for you.
However, one problem remained for our muscle aficionado: no matter how hard he’ll work to perfect his physique, there’s one thing he’ll never gain: height. This guy was well in need of it.
As RATM screamed, “Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me,” into my very red-hot head, I decided to sojourn to the stretching section of the gym, which I sometimes use for a little lie down in between sets.
While in the ‘down face dog’ position, my mind was filled with thoughts about short people, and why they can be so aggressive at times.
Some people put it down to ‘short man syndrome’, but short women can be just as ball-breaking as their male counterparts; which I imagine is why so many of them are major celebrities. The list of female queer icons who would barely come up to the average woman’s shoulder has made me realise why, at 170 centimetres (5’7”) I still live in obscurity.
Madonna may be above average in every conceivable way (positively and negatively speaking) but when it comes to height, she’s the person you want standing in front of you at a concert.
Christina Aguilera, Tori Amos and Joan of Arc could have tripled their wardrobes by sharing each other’s hotpants, with all three clocking in at 155 centimetres (5’1”); and, well, most of us could have rested our beer on Edith Piaf’s head. Not to mention Kylie, who’s so short I think there might be a medical term for it.These tiny dynamos have turned the ‘height advantage’ into the ‘lack of height advantage’; perhaps using their anger at a taller world to fuel their ambition and feed their collective success.
As I was leaving the gym, I found myself standing next to my little Adonis, and even though 5’7” is no great stature, I felt like John Steinbeck’s mountainous character, Lennie, in the novel Of Mice and Men.
I only just resisted the urge to pick him up, stroke his fur, and put him in my pocket.
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Opinion 
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