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Written by Quin York
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Wednesday, 27 January 2010 09:30 |
 Brisbane lesbian Quin York has had it with butch dykes bagging her out for being femme.
"Sorry I'm not butch enough for you." These are the words that run through my head during the all too common situation where butches rain shit on me about being femme.
Pause. Backgrounder on Quin York. I’m a twenty-something, gold star lesi and a very proud femme. I’ve been an active lesbian since I was sixteen.
Back to getting shit rained on me. Having been on the gay scene for nearly half my life I’ve been exposed to a lot, but there is one thing that still irks me to my core and that’s being discriminated against as a femme, the source always being butches.
One of the most overt forms of discrimination happened to me a couple of years ago. My partner at the time and I were at the Grrl Bar, which used to held in the upstairs bar at The Wickham.
My former and I weren’t the most affectionate couple in public. As we sat on a couch enjoying our Cosmopolitans – quit your smiling and eye rolling please – a butch approached us.
“What are you doing here? This is a gay club, you shouldn’t be here,” she spat.
My ex and I were mortified. “We are gay,” I barked back as I put my hand on my partner’s. Ol’ butchy walked away. I was annoyed with myself that I’d reacted to her comments and touched my partner to justify our presence at the Grrl Bar.
More examples – butches have asked me to kiss them to prove my gayness, made snide remarks within earshot, death stared me, and made very unoriginal comments denoting my ‘princessness’ as a femme. I have spent time in all major gay communities along the east coast of Australia and most of this discrimination and patronising behaviour has taken place in the sunshine state.
Unfortunately the remnants of being ostracised throughout my entire adulthood has taken its toll on my comfort level with lesbians.
Recently I was invited to a small gathering where all those attending were lesbians. The only person I knew was the host. I was so nervous about meeting a group of gay women – would they accept me for me?
The idea of me being nervous in a group situation is utterly ridiculous for anyone that knows me. By day I’m a PR professional and get paid to communicate, so really confidence when talking to people should not be an issue for me. But I just can’t shake the years of put downs.
Returning to the party. I was so keen to not make waves that I even questioned what I should wear. My girlfriends told me to fuck ’em and wear what makes me feel hot. I did. Thankfully that night I was exposed to five beautiful, open and accepting women who gave me a glimmer of hope that things may get better.
So where does all this drama come from? I have a few theories.
Butches and the physical attributes tied to this identity have historically been very clear cues to the world to say, ‘Hey, I’m gay.’ Some butches may feel that because of this they wear the lesbian tag wherever they go, whereas femmes may escape this same level of scrutiny. The older generation, in particular, also seem to affiliate their butchness to their fight for increased rights.
I acknowledge butches are a strong representation of our community, but there’s a feeling among Brissy butches that being femme makes me less of a lesbian. This notion is entirely comical to me as most butches who have actually given me some real time have told me they have slept with men. Technically, as someone who’s ‘pure’, that makes me gayer than most butches.
Or perhaps like every other arena, women just love to pull other women down. We see it in the workplace all the time, why should sexual circles be any different?
Unfortunately this mistreatment is impacting on how femmes feel about butches. Femmes are now dissing butches and any characteristics traditionally associated with butchness are looked down upon.
Earlier this year I went on a motorbike ride for the first time and bought a faux leather jacket. My ex, also a femme, told me I was becoming a butch and said it with such disgust that I almost felt ashamed. I suspect her venom was more to do with me leaving her but the fact that she believed tying me to the butch community was something degrading is not a good sign for butches.
I believe being a lesbian and femininity are not mutually exclusive. And I don’t like the categorising terms but I find solace in being grouped with a bunch of women who will accept the way I present and identify as a lesbian.
We all know the answer but I can’t see it happening. I’m not a pessimist, I’m a realist. But ladies, we are already one of the smallest minorities and experience enough discrimination from the wider community – so let’s quit the bitchin’ in the kitchen.
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Sorry I’m not butch enough for you
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