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Coming out to your parents isn’t the easiest thing you’ll ever do. Shelley Argent offers these important tips.
For many, coming out can be exciting. But for others, it’s an extremely daunting process.
Over the years, many people have asked me, “When is a good time to break the news?” I always say there is never a ‘good’ time, but certain times are better than others.
I always recommend waiting until there is quiet in the house and if possible minimum stress in the family.
It’s up to the individual to decide whether to tell parents one at a time, or together. I would also suggest that you never disclose during celebrations like your 18th or 21st birthday, Christmas or other family celebrations. Wait a few days and then break the news.
Another very important tip is never to ask one parent to keep the news a secret from your other parent, especially if they have a close relationship. It’s just too stressful.
Young people need to understand, when a son or daughter says, “Mum, Dad, I have something to tell you,” the last thing most parents are expecting is that you’re going tell them you’re gay or lesbian. So don’t be surprised if the momentary stunned silence is followed by tears, shock, questions and possible outrage.
Very rarely do parents guess or take the announcement as you would hope. For many young people and parents it can be a stressful time as parents struggle through a range of emotions. This is a time when parents have unanswered questions and fears about a sexual orientation they know very little about. So it isn’t surprising parents need time to process the news. Just the same as you did as you came to terms with your sexuality.
Generally, it isn’t unusual for parents to experience shock, anger, denial and bargaining, while many feel shame, blame, disappointment, guilt or fear – fear of HIV or that something may happen to their child. But don’t be put off, these are usually temporary feelings and parents work through them.
Many parents strive to be understanding and supportive but describe their feelings as a period of grieving. They grieve the loss of the ‘traditional lifestyle’ and the loss of a parent’s dreams, their hopes and expectations of their child.
Furthermore, many parents hold opinions about lesbians and gays that have been formed by myths and misinformation. Coming out can challenges their beliefs and values, which can be quite confronting.
Parents, like their sons and daughters, also go through the coming out process – some quickly, others slowly. There are no recommended timelines and no clear rules as to how to achieve acceptance. So be patient.
Research shows that if you have information for parents when you tell them your news, it shows that you have seriously considered what you’ve told them.
It also provides them with somewhere to go for support and information, which hastens the process of understanding your sexual orientation.
If you are considering ‘coming out’ to family, please give Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) a call and we will gladly provide you with referrals and information for families and yourself if you need extra support.
Shelley Argent is President of PFLAG Brisbane. For more help, call the PFLAG helpline on 0400 767 832 or visit pflagbrisbane.org.au .
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