Conflict resolution within in relationships is a tricky business – but Chris Pye has some good advice.

“Why can’t you just shut up and listen to me?”

“What do you think I’m frikkin’ doing right now?”

I overheard the two young men as they walked along Wickham Street last Friday night, but they could just as easily have been sitting in my counselling room.

I was reminded in that moment that what we often crave most in our relationships is just to be heard; to know that our partner is completely present with us in the moment. Not planning a winning retort or replaying the clumsy remark made three minutes ago. Just simply here, right now.

When couples visit me at the Rainbow Counselling Service, it’s sometimes after they’ve struggled, in vein, to piece together some kind of resolution from the debris of frustration and misunderstanding. Sometimes, such is our dread of conflict, we’re convinced that any kind of truce will be preferable, even if that means papering over deep cracks, which we know will re-emerge eventually.

To arrive at a place of true reconciliation, we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. When we find the courage to exhale, letting go of a firmly held, defensive position, and simply share our emotional truth – in a calm and non-blaming way – it’s amazing what it can inspire in our partner.

Allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable with your partner can be a big ask when trust has been damaged and wounds inflicted on both sides. Why would you open your heart to the person who’s just trodden all over it?

A neutral third party can help create a safe and supported environment for taking such a risk, in a slow, considered way. Alternatively, you may feel you can do this on your own, with the help of a few mutually negotiated ‘rules of engagement’ like these: no shouting or name-calling; TV, mobile phones and other distractions switched off;  speaking one at a time (a ‘talking stick’ could be passed between you to help enforce this); using the words “I feel” where possible, to take responsibility for our feelings rather than getting stuck in a blame-game; and separating for an agreed period of time to cool off, if either party slips back (shouting, blaming, disrespecting, etc.).

We all conflict in different ways, so find rules that work for you. It’s a great feeling to remain calm and respectful enough in conflict to be able to work through the yucky bits and come out the other side, feeling glad you stuck with it.   

Chris Pye is a counsellor with the Rainbow Counselling Service, an LGBT community initiative or Relationships Australia and the Queensland Association for Healthy Communities (QAHC). For more information, or to book a session with Chris, phone 1300 364 277.

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