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 Steve came to us about a year after his original HIV diagnosis. For the first time in many years, he was having difficulties sleeping, had a short fuse and was feeling down a lot of the time. His doctor suggested coming in a couple of months before, but he’d avoided coming in as he felt it was sign of weakness.
It didn’t take long for him to realise that focusing on himself showed courage. Steve said he didn’t know what was wrong. He’d accepted and had been feeling okay about being HIV-positive, was closely monitoring his viral load and CD4 blood count, and his doctor said he’d be fine and probably wouldn’t need to go on medication for a while. So how come he was feeling ok about being HIV-positive, but at the same time was feeling like shit? It’s because intellectually he’d accepted the virus, but he hadn’t accepted it unconsciously.
Let me explain: there are these two parts in all of us. The intellect is what you are aware of and the unconscious is what is underneath the surface and actually drives you in life. So we are like a gay boat cruise. The people you see and hear are a group of pulsating queens on the top deck, but are they driving the boat? Thank god, no! The person silently driving the ship is the captain wearing a white uniform covering a hard muscley body (oops, sorry I distracted myself!) who has nothing to do with what’s going on upstairs. So whilst on the surface Steve was feeling okay about his HIV status, his unconscious was making him feel crappy.
He didn’t realise this, but unconsciously, having HIV reminded him of feeling defective and not fitting in at school. The kids put him down, called him a poof; he was picked last for sports teams, felt like he didn’t fit in and was ashamed about his sexuality. He had almost forgotten this, but because school was so distressing for so long, there is a residual emotional bit inside of him that was lying dormant until something happened to trigger it off. Without knowing it, at a deeper level he felt the virus made him profoundly defective and worthless; he felt like he didn’t fit in to his group of friends and the gay community.
Making this connection had a massive effect on him. He felt the deep relief that people usually have when they finally understand themselves and their reactions. He also hadn’t realised that he was very sad as he couldn’t have skin-to-skin fucking anymore with his boyfriend, and he felt shame about having the virus and was doing his best to hide it from everyone. With this awareness, he could both intellectually AND unconsciously see himself as simply living with a virus that got into his blood and requires monitoring and management, which is similar to living with diabetes.
He went through the grieving process, did some journaling about his past, learned to identify and challenge his negative self-talk, and to listen to and express his feelings in a much healthier way. He left the counseling process saying that he had never felt lighter and better about himself. He described having a deep sense of self-acceptance that he didn’t know was possible.
Paul Martin is the principal psychologist at the Centre for Human Potential. ‘Steve’ is a compilation profile of many previous clients. For a free report, Practical Steps Towards Overcoming Stress and Feeling Down in 3 Months, call 1800 420 320 and leave your details.
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