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Shelley Argent continues her tips on coming out to your family.
How, when or where to tell loved ones that you’re gay, lesbian or bisexual is never easy.
Some young people say that it’s the hardest thing they have ever done in their life, and it isn’t always done in the best manner.
I have had parents say they were told while driving around a roundabout.
One gay man told me he just rushed in while his parents were eating dinner, quickly told them and then rushed out of the house to a friend waiting in the car to take him to Sydney.
These are not ideal times or ways to tell loved ones. Even if you plan to the finest detail, there is still a lot of stress and tension involved.
The problem is that most parents never expect what you’re about to tell them and so of course it comes as a shock. Even if parents suspect you may be gay, lesbian or bisexual, there is a difference between suspecting and knowing they have a gay son or lesbian daughter.
With shock comes tears, and sometimes things are said that would have been best left unsaid, and which most parents regret later.
Anger is another emotion that surfaces. Parents get angry and say such things as “How dare you do this to us?” They get angry with you and angry with themselves for not “stopping it” from happening.
It’s a time I would suggest keeping friends and partner away from family, because they are liable to be angry with them as well.
Their anger is misplaced because they don’t understand you haven’t done this deliberately; you haven’t chosen to be gay or lesbian. Parents also feel confused and isolated not knowing where to turn for assistance.
PFLAG can help by first letting them know they are not alone. They can then provide emotional support and resources, and finally put the sexuality issue into perspective.
A comfortable stage for many parents who don’t seek understanding or support is ‘denial’. In this stage, many put their heads in the sand and hope that it isn’t really happening. They may think you’re just confused, too young to know, or just experimenting and will soon come to your senses.
You need to be careful with parents in the denial stage because the longer they’re in denial, the harder it is to get them to move to acceptance.
Some families I have met are content to stay in this stage for many years.
However, I always suggest that if you feel your family is moving in this direction, keep talking about your friends, partner and where you go for entertainment.
Just keep them a little out of their comfort zone until they begin to talk, ask questions and eventually not feel so threatened by the whole process.
I would also suggest you occasionally invite them out for coffee or a meal and take them to some of your favourite ‘very gay friendly’ coffee shops or restaurants.
This will help break down the sensitivity they’re experiencing, plus it will let them see that where you go and what you do is similar to your siblings.
Shelley Argent is president of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) Brisbane. For more help visit pflagbrisbane.org.au.
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